CHAMP (Comically Harrowing Arranged Marriage Process)

December 2014

Writing has always been my catharsis - there is something really therapeutic about re-living your own personal experiences through writing. In a day and age where innumerable morbid, negative and sensational stories are the staple diet of news, I know that my experiences at this stage would be considered ‘comically harrowing’ – hence the name CHAMP (comically harrowing arranged marriage process)!

(Source: Google)

To be honest, I never thought that finding a ‘suitable boy’ would be such a traumatic experience indeed. But given my life experience that I have never been handed stuff on a platter, I don’t know why I imagined otherwise – probably I was hoping God to play a role to ensure compensation for the six months agony I went through to find a job (another long story, parked for later). In some sense I am the black sheep of the family – a person who never wanted to find a partner on my own; considering the fact that my parents, their siblings and most of my extended family have found their chosen one during teenage years and from all parts of India. It was fun to attend marriages conducted as per different traditions as well as have conversations at family gatherings in different languages and on a wide variety of topics. In this background of liberal thinking and early marriages, I was clearly an outlier – because I couldn’t imagine marrying somebody with whom I couldn’t converse in my mother-tongue (do think of it, when you get angry, don’t you feel like yelling in your mother tongue :P), I didn’t want to marry a social-drinker (MBA completely changed my perceptions of social drinking!) and I am conservative and traditional while my family is pretty chilled out.

So the arranged marriage process started with the usual discussions and debates about partner preferences. In the first instance, it is really difficult to explain to anybody what kind of a person you want to marry – I realized soon enough that just like I had decided what to study and where to work, it was really upto me to choose the person I wanted to marry. Having said that, I still wanted it to be done the traditional way and so I wanted both sets of parents to speak, because I still believe that marriage is about two families. Wading through the numerous profiles was indeed a painful task, and having gone through hundreds (if not thousands) of profiles, I sincerely want to give a few tips on what should never be written in a matrimonial profile:

a. Displaying neither a photo nor a name - believe me, there are profiles with only the Id number or ‘later’ (seriously?!?) and this makes me wonder – are you really interested in getting married?

b. I am looking for a soul mate and a long-time relationship – again, seriously?!? What do you think I am here for, a short-term dalliance? (I really miss the emoticon for rolling my eyes!)

c. Writing in CAPS – this is a big no-no – I understand that you want to emphasize something that is important to you, but writing in caps is just not the solution.

d. Displaying photos in weird angles and/ or goggles that cover more than half of the face – need I say anything more?

Very early on in the process it became amply clear to my parents and me that my education and salary was a bane and not a boon. Either the parents or the boy would have an issue with my education (your daughter is too qualified) or the salary (OMG, what will people think when they come to know that the girl earns more than the guy). Looking at my family and friends circle, I had never really thought that there would be so much resistance in just meeting a person who was either better qualified or earned more than you. It turns out that the sample set I had in mind was clearly not representative of the population!

I do believe that marriage is definitely about two families, but I wanted to meet the guy first, rather than subjecting two families to pressure, and also for removing the 'family bias' element (not all sons / daughters are representative of the family set ;). So in a span of more than a year, I have met two guys – a track record that I am told is by far worse than any friend I have known or acquaintances that I have heard of. People did mention to me that it would take a year or two, but everybody is surprised at the fact that I haven’t even met people – what am I supposed to do if the boy doesn’t even want to meet? Even though the horoscopes match (not that my family believes in it), the guys are not interested in meeting me  and I realize that jaathakalu are in no way a measure of the effort that needs to be put in. I am in no way demeaning astrology (it has its merits) but I am also caught between two conflicting beliefs.

I have also discovered another repercussion of being a Telugu, don’t mistake me, I absolutely love my city, my traditions – but for the life of me I just can’t understand the Telugu guys’ fascination for going to USA. For more than a year everybody has been trying to convince me about the merits of going to USA blah blah. I am not against the notion of relocating, but the when and how is a discussion with my life partner. I am fine (not freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional) with my choice and I am happy with it. Period.

So after a year and two books (duh uh, the book with details of people contacted for matrimonial alliances), I have three choices before me to tweak the marriage criteria – (1) To marry a social drinker or (2) To go to USA or  (3) To give up “Telugu as a mother tongue” criteria. To me the third option is preferable, though it sounded alien to my dad as he was wondering if it would be feasible. My friends have all along been telling me that I should take control of my life, consider expanding my search and my answer to that has always been the same, marriage is about family. The buy-in from all stakeholders approach takes time but it is important to me – as of now, my dad is convinced but the families we have approached have categorically refused and so the saga continues!

Having said this I must say, I am not marrying a degree or a number – I would want to marry a person whom I can respect and trust. Education is not really a good proxy for values, because I know umpteen number of people who graduated from premier institutions but act as God’s gift to mankind, don’t take care of their family, treat their spouses rottenly et al. And exploring this topic further, I will mention that social drinking is more a lifestyle choice rather than an indicator of values. All this makes me realize that there is no right or wrong answer in the choices we make, it’s better to search for somebody who understands the balance we strike between the traditional aspects and the modern outlook towards life.    

To me the major leap was to convince myself that I wanted to get married – after graduating from Chartered Accountancy course, working for three years in a job that I loved and going back to school for pursuing my dream of a wonderful learning experience (albeit it was a culture shock as well ;) – I believed I was ready for the next phase of my life. A true Libran in the sense that I always try to find a balance w.r.t the things I love, it was a herculean task to find a job after graduation – it was a difficult decision to graduate without a job offer on hand. The ‘utopian profile’ I had in mind had to fulfil all the criteria:

(a) I wanted to be in my home town so that I could come live with my parents

(b) It had to be either education or health sectors, as they seemed like a natural progression after my work stint in development

(c) It had to be a role that justified the management degree I had acquired and

(d) Yes, it had to pay for the substantial loan that hung on my head like the Damocles sword!

Coming back home after living alone for 4 years was very important for me, because I wanted to stay with my family before getting married – in my mind I wanted to be sure that I had done everything possible, both in terms of reaching out as well easing their financial burden. It would be too big a claim to make that I wanted to set things right, but yes, I did want to make things better in whichever way I could. It was easy to stay in touch with my mom and sister, but not my dad, he was not a person who would stay in touch on phone. Closure of three loans and on-going payment of two more made me realize just one thing, never let your lifestyle dictate the job you need to do.  I have to admit, it was not easy for them or for me, because living alone not only makes you responsible but also set in certain ways – and that inflexibility is sometimes difficult to deal with. I loved living alone (I cherished my ‘me time’), but then I enjoyed the family dinners as well. The connect that I have with my family now is much stronger and coming back to stay with my family has been one of my best decisions till date. 

(Source: Google)

It does bother me to hear statements like, “OMG you are 29, you have missed the bus the moment you have crossed 28”. When other girls say things like “Why do girls need to study so much and earn, isn’t what the guy earning sufficient?”, it does make me wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I had a normal life where I dint have the need to take care of certain financial commitments. But I also realize that it is a moot question, as I am satisfied with what I have been able to achieve and do for my family – and these experiences are the one that have made me the person that I am today. I wonder sometimes why God is putting me through all this and it’s probably  God’s way of making me appreciate what I get in life. Yes, there are advantages of getting married early – you have more time to spend with and understand each other, no pressure of kids for a few years at least and so on but there might be downsides with regard to financial stability.

On the other hand, I have had the chance to pursue my choice of education and career without any constraints, location or other-wise, go on a girl’s trip with my sister and best friend and learn driving! For a person who has never driven a two-wheeler (so no road sense as some people never failed to point out), it was definitely a huge achievement (even though I say it) as I was finally able to overcome my fear. I have my space, the all-important ‘me-time’, the time to introspect about a lot of things, especially what makes me happy – after a long time of trying to find happiness externally and in ‘wow’ moments, it dawned on me one day that I could only find happiness when I am at peace with myself. This discovery is important as it opened up a whole new world view for me, specifically in terms of expectations from other people. I pursue my all-time favorite hobby of reading books (fiction and spirituality related), dabble in baking cakes and this time with myself has given me a chance to discover myself, be certain of what I want and I believe I have emerged a much stronger person at the end.

(Source: Google)