I want my marriage to be more beautiful than my wedding

January 2015

(Source: Google) 

I’ve always wanted a temple wedding – simple and austere so that the people I love enjoy my wedding rather than slogging - while everyone else on this planet enjoys themselves. This might be due to the fact that as my parents are the youngest among their siblings, I have attended lots of weddings in the last decade – and the effort, opulence, demands, distinction between moga pellivaru and aada pellivaru was annoying.

However, all these notions kind of went for a toss once the arranged marriage process started – my parents and I were bracing ourselves for a big fat Indian wedding and I’m also partly to blame. My grandparents believed in this notion that following traditions and customs is the proper way to do things and that created a huge impression on me. So from then on, I decided that I would follow the traditional rituals and customs – though I knew that everything had a remedy, for instance, though people from the same gothras cannot get married, the remedy was that the girl can be adopted by other relatives of a different gothram and then the marriage can be performed! 

The more we interacted with people, the more I felt that I would have to compromise on fundamental values when I got married to a person. Some of the things going around in my head might seem foolish to a lot of people, but that’s how my neurons work, firstly, why is it taken for granted by the boy's father that I will pack my bags and change my job at the drop of a hat without even meeting the person? Secondly, the way people used to talk about property and commercial stuff so completely put off my dad and me - this is not a business deal for God's sake. Thirdly, how could I live with a person with a callous attitude, who thinks that fidelity is just physical; copying for measly 5 marks was completely ok. I have always been an independent girl with strong emphasis on integrity and transparency and have lived my life the way I wanted to. A major reason contributing to this is because my parents have always treated me like an equal, never put any restrictions on my education or job or social activities – from my choice of field of study or job to letting me live alone to dancing away to glory as if there’s no tomorrow (the pride I see in their eyes when they see me dancing is touching) – not a lot of people, especially girls have got this kind of freedom. And hence I wanted to prove it to them and people who felt that they had given my sister and me too much freedom by being the ideal daughter and ensuring that this freedom was never misused – and this is also the reason for the buy-in from stakeholder approach. Whatever it is, I wanted to marry a ‘live-and-let live’ kind of person, which did not seem possible through the comically harrowing arranged marriage process.

(Source: Google)

The entry of one person in December 2014 completely changed my life – I realized that I could actually be myself with this person, without a mask of absolutely any kind. Not only did we abide by the same fundamental values, we could also talk about everything under the sun. The sigh of relief of finding a person talking the same language was unmistakable! I did not in my wildest dreams believe that I would find somebody who would make me question every tradition and belief – and I’m not saying this in any negative sense. I did not question a lot of stuff as my grandparents believed that the traditional ritualistic route is the way to go. But what possibly can I say when he (hubby) raised the following valid points:

1. The concept of moga pellivaru and aada pellivaru only creates divide between the two families – and I completely agree, this notion creates the notion of superiority and division rather than unity between two families.

2. The Kasi yatra ritual wherein the groom says he wants to continue studying and take up Brahmacharya rather than get married to the girl and then the bride’s brother has to step in to pacify him by offering material benefits is downright humiliating – I am marrying you coz I love you, why should I act as if I don’t want to ?? … and I nod like a mute spectator.

3. The bride’s parents having to wash the feet of the groom is weird and I respect your parents a lot and you should not humiliate them for all that they have done for you by asking them to go through all this - and this just leaves me dumbfounded!

Dad’s response to this was just hilarious – I will spray his feet with water --- Rofl!

(Source: Google) 

When we first started talking, I had rigid notions about all the above – and I thought these were all non-negotiable. When we were discussing all this, and believe me when I say this, I was not in the least offended – I was only thinking that whatever he was mentioning is logical and was amazed by the effort he was putting in to understand me. I completely loved these discussions and the evolution of my thought process. 

Whenever he talks about equality, sharing of house work et al, I’m reminded of Sheryl Sandberg’s quote, “When it’s time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist, and trust me, over time, nothing is sexier”.

(Source: Google)

My family started appreciating the values we stood for after I updated them about our discussions regarding spending reasonably on the wedding, concentrating more on quality of life after marriage et al – the sigh of relief and happiness is obvious! And I’m so glad we are mature and sensible enough to not be this couple that spends extravagantly on the wedding followed by an expensive trip to Europe / New Zealand and then do chindi-giri w.r.t quality of life later on – we are clear about our priorities:

·         * Comfortable secure home in a gated community

·         * Take care of our parents

·         * Have fun and enjoy every second together :D

I’m so glad the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are falling in place - “Unless it is Mad, Passionate, Extraordinary Love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things is life. Love should not be one of them” – Dream of Insomniac. At the end of the day, I want my marriage to be more beautiful than my wedding.  What I really want, as in really - is all of this time that we spend together. To talk about nothing and everything, to plan all minute details for all things concerned, to freak out. To be one of those inseparable best-friend couples. 

(Source: Google)